See his smiling face! Of course he's happy enslaved! ... Shit, he stole our boat. History is so full of badass escapes from slavery that it's hard to pick the most badass, but Robert Smalls' escape has to be in the running. Why? Let Lonely Island give you a hint. Smalls was born in South … Continue reading Robert Smalls Haiku
Tag: US Civil War
Boston Corbett Haiku
Ladies of the nightWink and arouse your manhood?Best chop off your balls.Let me introduce you to the man who shot the man who shot Abraham Lincoln, folks.Thomas H Corbett was born in London in 1832, later moving to New York at the tender age of eight. Unfortunately, he went with the profession of 'hatter', which... … Continue reading Boston Corbett Haiku
The Attempted Assassination of William Seward
Bones crushed by horses, Stabbed in face by actor's goon, Still not president. It is often forgotten that Mr Lincoln's unfortunate interaction with John Wilkes Booth was not the only shit going down on April 14, 1865. Particularly, that one of Booth's cronies had a go at Secretary of State William Seward. (Another goon was … Continue reading The Attempted Assassination of William Seward
Rose Greenhow Haiku
"Wow! Can't believe it! Totes p0wned abolitionist! Then everyone clapped." Once upon a time, I did whole week chronicling punchable faces in history. But of course, there are other historical faces in need of punching, so let's revisit that today! Rose O'Neal Greenhow was born in 1813ish in Maryland, the third of five daughters. Her … Continue reading Rose Greenhow Haiku
Helen Dortch Longstreet Haiku
Smile, belle of South! Time will come when you'll help to Kick Hitler in teeth. Sometimes, when researching another subject for a haiku, you stumble upon an equally deserving badass. Such was the case with General Longstreet, as that led me to learn about his second wife, Helen Dortch. Dortch was born in Carnesville, Georgia … Continue reading Helen Dortch Longstreet Haiku
James Longstreet Haiku
General ponders - "Slaves people? Lee fallible?" Southerners enraged. During the controversies over statues of Confederate generals, I couldn't help but be reminded of General James Longstreet. Why, you might ask? I'll explain. Longstreet was born in South Carolina in 1821. 'Longstreet' was actually an anglicized version of 'Langestraet', his ancestor having immigrated to New … Continue reading James Longstreet Haiku
Sarah Emma Edmonds Haiku
Pa forcing marriage? Sign up for Union Army. It's the only way. And now, it's time for Crossdresser Week. Our first entry provides us with some Canadian representation in the form of Sarah Emma Edmonds, Union soldier and spy. Edmonds was born in New Brunswick in 1841, and immediately proved a disappointment to her father … Continue reading Sarah Emma Edmonds Haiku
Laura Keene Haiku
Financial advice That's worked but once: "Husband gone? Consider acting." Nuts to it all; I'm declaring this Actor Week. The subject of our second installment is Laura Keene, who also had a connection to Lincoln's bad night out. Mary Frances Moss was born in England in 1826. She married young, to Wellington's nephew, and they … Continue reading Laura Keene Haiku
Edwin Booth Haiku
Family - can't live With 'em, can't crawl in hole when They shoot President. Poor Edwin Booth. Tried so hard to get past his shit childhood, hone his acting skills, and become the greatest Shakespearean actor of his generation, only to have his efforts thrown in an outhouse when his little prick of a brother … Continue reading Edwin Booth Haiku
Cassius Clay Haiku
Stop bad man with gun With good man slicing him in Goddamn eyes with knife. Well, good-ish. Cassius Clay (no, not Muhammed Ali) died 115 years ago today. He was an odd duck. Born to a slaveholding plantation family in 1810, he became an abolitionist in 1832 while attending Yale. And not a paper one … Continue reading Cassius Clay Haiku
Kelsey Ehler, AKA The Great Kelsini 