You think you're hot shit? Too bad weird mystery plagues Don't give a sweet damn. I've been sick as a dog lately. I've been miserable as fuck. Be that as it may, my knowledge of history has helped me acknowledge that welp, it could be worse. For example, I don't have to worry about a … Continue reading Sweating Sickness Haiku
Tag: Tudor England
Anne Boleyn Haiku
Can you believe her? Couldn't birth son, had a mouth. Slice through little neck. Today must be a short one, and so I cover someone known well enough that I can just give my opinion on her. My opinion: fuck you, Henry VIII. Yep, the lack of a male heir was a major problem. And … Continue reading Anne Boleyn Haiku
Catherine Parr Haiku
For just one woman, Marrying the Bluff Harry Delayed the bullet. Ah, Catherine Parr. The last of Henry VIII's wives. A bluestocking before bluestockings were a thing. First English queen who was a published author. Pity she got screwed over by her last husband and True Love (TM), Thomas Seymour. Catherine was born in 1512, … Continue reading Catherine Parr Haiku
Mary Tudor Haiku
When made to marry Gross old king, reserve next pick, Create paper trail. Welcome to French Queens Week, because we have barely struck the gold mine of drama that is the French nobility. Although today's bit of drama is actually brought to you, once again, by the Tudors. And this particular Tudor was only queen … Continue reading Mary Tudor Haiku
Elizabeth I Haiku
She ruled well, they say. But how, without husband's help? Clearly, penis lurked. We've had a few Saturdays without any nonsense and that must change. So to cap off Crossdresser Week, we're going to talk about the enormously stupid theory that ELIZABETH I WAS REALLY A DUDE IN DRESSES OMG. The theory goes like this: … Continue reading Elizabeth I Haiku
Shakespeare Authorship Debate Haiku
Hot new theory! Top minds have uncovered truth! True author? Your mom. It's Saturday and the final day of Playwright Week. So fuck it, I'm going to rant about the stupidity that is the Shakespeare authorship debate. Hey, guess what we know about 99% of people who lived in 16th century England? Fuck all. How … Continue reading Shakespeare Authorship Debate Haiku
Thomas Kyd Haiku
Choose roommate wisely, Or suffer obscurity, Death in poverty. Today's subject on Playwright Week is poor Thomas Kyd, who nowadays is famous for 'The Spanish Tragedy' and not much else. For that, I blame Christopher Marlowe. Kyd was born the son of a London scrivener in 1558. He became a well-known playwright sometime in the … Continue reading Thomas Kyd Haiku
Ben Jonson Haiku
To shut the fuck up And stay out of clink is for Losers like Shakespeare. It's Sunday and I declare it to be Playwright Week. I'll start with Ben Jonson, of whom we know a lot more about than his rival Shakespeare. Why? Because Ben Jonson liked to start shit. Jonson was born in 1572. … Continue reading Ben Jonson Haiku
Mary Queen of Scots Haiku
History forgives All sorts of bullshit if it's Romaaaaantic enough. It's the final day of Mothers of Kings Week. We've also established that Saturday is my 'fuck everything I do what I want' day. As such, I'm going to go on an expletive-filled rant about Mary Queen of Scots, mother of James I and a … Continue reading Mary Queen of Scots Haiku
The Sinking of the Mary Rose Haiku
Like a fat basset Begging for tum rub, so tipped King Henry's pride. The English warship Mary Rose sank 473 years ago today, in the middle of battling the French while Henry VIII watched. But it wasn't sunk by French cannons. Or English cannons. What? The Mary Rose was a carrack launched in 1511, as … Continue reading The Sinking of the Mary Rose Haiku
Kelsey Ehler, AKA The Great Kelsini 