"Albert, my nephew, Listen! To seduce a queen, Flash her some sweet leg." Leopold of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld was crowned the very first King of Belgium 187 years ago today. In the other timeline, he was the King, or probably Prince Consort, of England. He was born in 1790 in one of the many German duchies that … Continue reading Leopold I Haiku
Category: Poetry
Thomas-Alexandre Dumas Haiku
The just rewards of Peerless valor undone by Little man with crown. Thomas-Alexandre Dumas Davy de la Pailleterie (breathes) was a French Revolutionary general and father of an author you may have heard of. Dumas was born in 1762 in Saint-Domingue to a French aristocrat and an African slave. In 1776, Pops took his boy … Continue reading Thomas-Alexandre Dumas Haiku
The Sinking of the Mary Rose Haiku
Like a fat basset Begging for tum rub, so tipped King Henry's pride. The English warship Mary Rose sank 473 years ago today, in the middle of battling the French while Henry VIII watched. But it wasn't sunk by French cannons. Or English cannons. What? The Mary Rose was a carrack launched in 1511, as … Continue reading The Sinking of the Mary Rose Haiku
Grand Duchess Elizabeth Feodorovna Haiku
Rules for happy life - Do not wed a Romanov, Don't stand near mine shafts. Grand Duchess Elizabeth Feodorovna was killed a hundred years ago today, a day after her little sister, Empress Alexandra, was shot up in an Ekaterinaburg cellar with husband, children, servants, and dog. Somehow, Elizabeth's end managed to be even worse. … Continue reading Grand Duchess Elizabeth Feodorovna Haiku
Catherine the Great Haiku
Play with toy soldiers, Dear husband. With the flesh ones, I'll depose your ass. Peter III of Russia died under extremely shifty circumstances 256 years ago today, after being overthrown by his fed up German wife. (You might know her better as Catherine the Great.) They'd been married for 16 years by that point and … Continue reading Catherine the Great Haiku
Madame de Brinvilliers Haiku
Sure, kill family For sweet cash, but try not to Kill in same damned way. You know, let's continue with this 'decapitated ladies' theme we've sort of got going here. This time, our subject wasn't motivated by any motivation higher than 'I want money and fuck my family.' Marie-Madeleine-Marguerite d'Aubray, marquise de Brinvilliers (1630-1676) had … Continue reading Madame de Brinvilliers Haiku
Charlotte Corday Haiku
Don't stab fanatics, Ladies, lest you're guillotined, Called 'mannish', 'ugly.' Charlotte Corday stabbed Jean-Paul Marat 225 ago, making for the least relaxing bath ever. It was 1793. The French Revolution was in full swing and the radical Jacobin faction was in control. An important part of the Jacobin platform was 'let's kill everyone who disagrees … Continue reading Charlotte Corday Haiku
