President Moon Allows Kim Jung-Eun to Pet Dog, Peace Ensues

CARE International observers are hailing President Moon Jae-In of South Korea's 'masterstroke' of bringing his adorable black rescue mutt Tory to his meeting with Kim Jung-Eun and allowing the dictator to pet him. No one knew what to expect when President Moon came into the meeting room, the little Tory held lovingly in his arms. … Continue reading President Moon Allows Kim Jung-Eun to Pet Dog, Peace Ensues

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Britain Gifts ‘Definitely Not Haunted’ Franklin Expedition Ships to Canada, Inuit

Britain has officially gifted the HMS Erebus and HMS Terror, the recently rediscovered ships lost during the Franklin Expedition of 1845, to Canada and the Inuit, stating they were 'definitely not haunted' and there was 'absolutely nothing to worry about.' Said Susan le Jeune d’Allegeershecque, the British High Commissioner to Canada, during the ceremony at … Continue reading Britain Gifts ‘Definitely Not Haunted’ Franklin Expedition Ships to Canada, Inuit

Homely Woman Can’t Get Laid, Does Not Go On Killing Spree

Some context: it appears as though the perpetrator of the recent Toronto van attack was an incel. Believe it or not, women get rejected too, often continuously, and yet... Megan Macdonald, a 21-year old English major attending University of Victoria, has never successfully sealed the deal with a dude, yet has not gone on a … Continue reading Homely Woman Can’t Get Laid, Does Not Go On Killing Spree

Duchess Kate to Meghan Markle: “Run.”

(CC) Mark Jones Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge was overhead by about ten gazillion members of the paparazzi and other observers to whisper 'run' repeatedly to Meghan Markle, her future sister-in-law, last week. "Run. Find a monastery somewhere. Hide out for a few years. I know you love him, but what of the cost? Run. Run. … Continue reading Duchess Kate to Meghan Markle: “Run.”

Millenial Told by Baby Boomer to ‘Work Harder’ and ‘Make Sacrifices’

Nicole Norkoff, a 30-year old millenial and retail worker, has been told by her mother's friend to 'work harder' and 'make sacrifices' during a Facebook argument. The argument began when Norkoff's mother, Nancy, posted a status update expressing her frustration regarding her daughter's primary workplace cutting hours and benefits and noting that many of that … Continue reading Millenial Told by Baby Boomer to ‘Work Harder’ and ‘Make Sacrifices’

Pregnant Woman Becomes Militantly Pro-Choice After Ralphing on Cat

Vancouver-area marketing manager Alice Ahn has become militantly pro-choice after ralphing on her marmalade cat Lord Binky McBooger for the umpteenth time. "Before this - and I want to stress - completely planned and wanted pregnancy, I sort of considered myself more on the pro-life side of things, you know?" said a visibly pale and … Continue reading Pregnant Woman Becomes Militantly Pro-Choice After Ralphing on Cat

Tim Hortons Revises Policies in Light of Declining Popularity

Tim Hortons, the formerly beloved Canadian coffee and doughnut chain, is revising its policies in light of its declining popularity across the country. "We're putting into effect a lot of changes that I think Canadians are really going to like," said Tim Hortons representative Ted Townshend. "Number one on the list? No more scorpions." Townshend … Continue reading Tim Hortons Revises Policies in Light of Declining Popularity