Special Report: Wannabe Writer Begs For Cash

TAIPEI, TAIWAN - Kelsey Ehler, an ESL teacher and wannabe writer, is begging for cash through social media channels. Said Ehler, "I'm starting my new job soon, but it's going to be another month before I see my first paycheck. I tallied up my money, annnnd..." She took a deep breath and continued. "Yeah. Yeah. … Continue reading Special Report: Wannabe Writer Begs For Cash

Financial Tips for Entitled Millenial Snowflakes

Photo by George HH As is famously known and universally acknowledged, today's working youth - the so-called 'Millennials' - are a lazy, shiftless bunch more concerned with their precious fee-fees and getting their next hit of avocado toast than putting in a hard day's work. As such, many Millennials are experiencing what they call economic … Continue reading Financial Tips for Entitled Millenial Snowflakes

Report: Small Town Boring As Shit

USDA photo by Scott Bauer In defiance of expectations that small towns should be hotbeds of excitement, sources report that Grand Prairie, BC is in actuality, 'boring as shit.' The report continues that there is no sexy drama simmering just underneath the surface. "How can there be?" said a woman who asked to remain anonymous, … Continue reading Report: Small Town Boring As Shit

President Moon Allows Kim Jung-Eun to Pet Dog, Peace Ensues

CARE International observers are hailing President Moon Jae-In of South Korea's 'masterstroke' of bringing his adorable black rescue mutt Tory to his meeting with Kim Jung-Eun and allowing the dictator to pet him. No one knew what to expect when President Moon came into the meeting room, the little Tory held lovingly in his arms. … Continue reading President Moon Allows Kim Jung-Eun to Pet Dog, Peace Ensues

Britain Gifts ‘Definitely Not Haunted’ Franklin Expedition Ships to Canada, Inuit

Britain has officially gifted the HMS Erebus and HMS Terror, the recently rediscovered ships lost during the Franklin Expedition of 1845, to Canada and the Inuit, stating they were 'definitely not haunted' and there was 'absolutely nothing to worry about.' Said Susan le Jeune d’Allegeershecque, the British High Commissioner to Canada, during the ceremony at … Continue reading Britain Gifts ‘Definitely Not Haunted’ Franklin Expedition Ships to Canada, Inuit

Homely Woman Can’t Get Laid, Does Not Go On Killing Spree

Some context: it appears as though the perpetrator of the recent Toronto van attack was an incel. Believe it or not, women get rejected too, often continuously, and yet... Megan Macdonald, a 21-year old English major attending University of Victoria, has never successfully sealed the deal with a dude, yet has not gone on a … Continue reading Homely Woman Can’t Get Laid, Does Not Go On Killing Spree

Duchess Kate to Meghan Markle: “Run.”

(CC) Mark Jones Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge was overhead by about ten gazillion members of the paparazzi and other observers to whisper 'run' repeatedly to Meghan Markle, her future sister-in-law, last week. "Run. Find a monastery somewhere. Hide out for a few years. I know you love him, but what of the cost? Run. Run. … Continue reading Duchess Kate to Meghan Markle: “Run.”