Kelsey and Five First Ladies Walk Into a Bar

Photo by Chris F on

As Abigail Adams once said, “Remember the ladies,” and indeed, I have. As a companion piece to my previous post, Kelsey and Five Presidents Walk Into a Bar, I present my thoughts on which First Ladies would be the best to throw down with me.

Again, the chosen few are in no particular order.

She’s got two tickets to the gun show for ya.

If you told me that the name that popped to mind if someone said, “First Lady with the sickest biceps,” wasn’t Michelle Obama, I’d damn you for a liar. I mean, look at those guns. Those guns are goals. She also has a proven capacity to keep her temper in check when others are behaving vilely towards her, which is cool. You gotta keep cool when the chairs start flyin’.

Bet she could mix a mean cocktail.

Next on the list is Dolley Madison, aka the First Lady of Parties. I don’t know how I’d rank her fighting skills, as the history books don’t record her exchanging blows with invading British troops. However, she’s got the charm and she’s got the sense to protect whatever priceless and otherwise valuable artifacts that may happen to be lying around in the bar (such as a George Washington portrait.) This will help get the bar staff on our side, easing our path to victory and decreasing our chances of being kicked out or arrested.

Remember the ladies’ fists breaking your nose.

I choose Abigail Adams, not for her mind – magnificent though it is – but for her body. Not only is Adams intelligent, wise, insightful, and shrewd, but she also ran a danged farm through several Massachusetts winters while her husband was off having to deal with snobby French courtiers. (I can’t decide which was worse.) That suggests a toughness that should be respected, and muscles to match Michelle.

She probs knows where to stash inconvenient bodies too.

Coming in fast behind Abby is Edith Wilson! What recommends her for this exalted position? This was the lady who in effect ran the country and kept her husband’s post-stroke health a secret from the all the world. This proves she can keep her head on a swivel and can be trusted to hide any evidence that suggests we were less than angels in this bloody affair.

Rumours that Jack Ruby was actually Jackie in disguise taking revenge against Oswald have yet to be proven.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis rounds out our cohort. This woman was splashed with her husband’s blood and brain matter. You think a measly lil’ round of fisticuffs is going to phase her? Dream on, buckaroo. She’ll go Lee Harvey Oswald on your ass.

Rejected Picks:

Edith Roosevelt and her niece, Eleanor Roosevelt – not because I doubt their skills, but because I couldn’t choose between the two, I’M SORRY. Feel free to swap them for one of official picks in your head.

Hillary Clinton, because I chose her for the previous article. But she can come to this brawl too.

Jill Biden, because while she can and will protect her man in a tussle, she is but First Lady-elect at this point. Talk to me again on January 1, 2021.

Melania Trump, because I hate her.

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