Kelsey and Five Presidents Walk Into a Bar

Photo by Chris F on

Many presidents and presidential candidates are judged on whether it’d be nice to have a beer with them. This is a shallow and worthless metric. The real question is:

“Who do I want by my side in a bar fight?”

I’ve considered the matter thoroughly and I have my answers for the top five, in no particular order.

Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt is an obvious candidate, due to his skill with both boxing and judo. As that crazy motherfucker can give keep giving a speech for the better part of two hours with a bullet in him, we can also count on his stamina.

Abraham Lincoln is also a solid choice. His height gives him an intimidation factor, his time spent splitting rails grants him muscle, and his geniality might persuade bystanders to our side. It is also to important to note that as he is a teetotaler, his head will remain clear when it comes time to explain to the cops just what happened.

The next pick is Dwight ‘Ike’ Eisenhower. The best for fighting Nazis and gathering incriminating evidence for our opponents’ foul deeds. (See: his insistence of documenting every danged thing he could about the concentration camps, because he knew some punks were going to say, “Nuh uh!”)

For the fourth, enter James A Garfield! “Hey, wasn’t he the one that only managed to get shot and die and in retrospect, have a funny name?” True, true, true, my friend, but he lasted months while doctors poked their dirty fingers in his insides, and managed to survive some Civil War battles, so we can have him as our tank while the rest of us plot strategy.

Finally, Hillary Clinton, because she SHOULD have been president, goddamnit, she’s scrappy, and (legend has it) she can drink you under the table. Expect her to swing a chair with expert precision whilst downing a shot of whiskey with a free hand.

Rejected Picks:

John F Kennedy, as despite his war experience, that man’s body was barely holding itself together, hell.

Ulysses S Grant, because much as I might like him and think he’s underrated as a general and a president, the presence of so much alcohol might spell Bad News.

George Washington, because I’d be distracted by screaming at him about Oney Judge.

Andrew Jackson, because I hate him.

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