It has been so very long since I’ve graced you lovely spawners of the next generation with my peerless advice. Please accept my apologies. I know every single thing I suggested must have worked flawlessly, but time has passed. Your babe has matured. New strategies are in order to outsmart them.
Time to take it to the next level, bitches.
Baby refuses to sleep unless you’re holding them? Engage in that battle of wills. Make them associate their mother’s embrace with vacuuming, cardio dance routines, and skydiving. They’ll soon long for the solitude of the crib.
Perhaps your baby is disturbed by all the toxins and what have you in your mutual environment. Try eliminating anything unnatural, like your trashy romance novel addiction, modern medicine, and corn.
Outsource! Many successful humans, such as Mowgli, have been raised by wolf packs. Not only will your tot learn the importance of teamwork, cunning, and endurance, but you’ll get a well-deserved break! Most wolf packs accept fresh deer carcasses as a method of payment.
If a wolf pack is unavailable, why not put to work the animals in your own home? Cats? They can teach Junior how to sleep anywhere at any time, destroy the most stubborn of boxes, and keep their home free of vermin. Dogs? How about helping with the household budget by the addition of squirrels to your food supply and the elimination of diapers by way of doing business outside?
Sob into the nearest pillow. Repeat as often as necessary.
Why not let Daddy take care of your wee muffin for a change?… Lol. We all know that men can’t even with baby stuff; it’s in their DNA! (Just like how women don’t know how to math or science, tee hee!)
I’m happy I could help you with this.