The Childless Woman’s Advice to Sleepless Mothers

As someone who is in her mid-thirties and has friends, I know a fair number of ladies who have spawned over the past couple of years. I also know a fair number of ladies who have suffered from sleep deprivation, but I repeat myself.

Breathe easy. I’m here to help.

Through years of research, subjected to the most rigorous testing and peer review, I have developed these foolproof techniques to cool that baby down so you can get some shut-eye.

1) Swaddle the babe, go to sleep with your earplugs in. After all, they can’t get into any trouble if they can’t move their arms or legs! They can cry it out and you can rest undisturbed! Or, alternately, you can use that time to go shopping unencumbered. It worked for Medieval women; why not you?

2) How ’bout a drop of brandy? For you and your tot! Dreamland is but a sip away, thanks to centuries’ worth of human ingenuity concerning the preservation of grapes!

3) Discussion time. Sit that babe up, maintaining eye contact to establish sincerity. Explain the mutual benefits that might be accrued from them just putting a sock in it for a few hours? Please? Once the babe comprehends the logic behind your arguments, they will be eager to comply.

4) Give in to the sleeplessness. You are the sleeplessness. You are one with the creatures of the night and they are yours to command. This will not stop the baby from crying, but it will prevent you from being woken up by the baby crying. So it’s a win, right? Now that you have the power to destroy your enemies?

5) Feign being comotose. Months of quiet hospital living while the hubby takes care of kiddo, until they can sleep through the night! Make sure you live in a country with socialized medicine before trying this trick! (Wink!)

6) Do a Freaky Friday-esque body swap with your baby, so you two can have a mutually comedic and heartwarming experience in which you learn (to steal my Grandpa’s phrase) that everyone has their own sack of rocks to carry! This also works with teenagers.

One of these tips is bound to work, allowing you to regain the sanity you once enjoyed before your labor day.

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