1493, EUROPE – Christopher Columbus, the Portuguese sailor employed by Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain, has discovered a new continent west of Europe expecting to find India. He has also proved what philosophers have known for centuries – boy brains are just not built for math.
Said a representative of John II of Portugal, “We’ve pretty much known for, like, forever how big the Earth is. So when Chris came here, begging for ships and to be called ‘Grand Admiral’, we just took one look at his calculations and were all, ‘um, no.’ He had the whole world shaped like an EGG! I shit you not! He’s lucky there was a continent in the way of him and an excruciating, drawn-out death at sea.”
The representative continued: “Of course we knew the world wasn’t flat! We’ve known that for centuries! What are you, a peasant? Anyway, this just goes to show that men should stick to what God build them for – composing ballads and lifting heavy things.”
Henry VII of England, who had also been approached with the whole ‘India’ scheme, could not be reached for comment, being too busy hiding from the Yorkists he is convinced are under his bed.
Said Isabella of Spain, “He just nagged and nagged and nagged for us to sponsor his little ‘voyage of discovery’ for years.” She paused and massaged her temples. “I’d finally put my foot down and sent him away on his mule, but Ferdinand batted his eyes at me, and next thing you know, we’re giving him three damned ships, plus crew and provisions…”
She sighed. “The things I do to keep the ol’ ball and chain happy. This is worse than his Granada shopping trip. Which just goes back to ‘math’ thing.”
Queen Isabella’s daughters, Joanna and Catherine, privately stated to this reporter that when they have husbands, they’ll keep them properly in line.
Columbus continues to insist that he ‘did find India, actually’, ‘you can tell because the locals have brown skin,’ and ”Taino’ is Indian-speak for ‘Indians.” Bless his pretty little head.
The crowned heads of Europe will proceed to exploit the shit out of ‘Not India’ in accordance with God’s plan.