(2018/09/10) Ask Kelsey!

Welcome, true believers, to the first Ask Kelsey! column, where we answer your most burning personal questions! Got a query? Throw a tip our way via PayPal or become a monthly patron via Patreon.

My husband snores. For 39 years, he’s snored. The constant sawing wakes me in the dead of night and I find myself holding a pillow just inches from his head. How do I fix this without murder? Yes, we’ve tried surgery. – Fed Up in the Forks

You’ve tried modern medicine, so there’s really only one practical solution: make a deal with a supernatural creature, such as an imp or fairy, to stop that snoring permanently. But becareful to read through the fine print with a lawyer before signing anything! These folk like to sneak in onerous terms, like giving up your firstborn. Not smart after you’ve sunk so much time and effort into the kid and just as he’s starting to make the cash that will support you in your dotage!

Polynesians. Vikings. Who were the best explorers? – Troubled on the Thompson

That’s a wallop of a question you’ve got there, ‘Troubled!’ It really depends on what criteria you use. In terms of area traveled, Polynesians, hands down. In terms of how much they scared the living shit out of whoever was already dwelling in any given place when they showed up, Vikings have the upper hand. Especially against monks in monasteries packed full of plunder.

But both could show those Franklin Expedition losers a thing or two, amirite.

Oh god, I’ve started a new job and my body’s getting all sick because of the stress and I’m falling behind on my writing and I wish I could just scream into a fathomless void and… – In Turmoil in Taiwan

Suck it up, buttercup. You’re not being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

Or maybe try a relaxing cup of chamomile tea before bed!

Folks! Times are hard. If you enjoy my work, please consider tipping, becoming a patron, or sharing my posts. Thanks!

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