Theodor Morell Haiku

Third party ensured

By force of arms, brains, daring,

Meth-addled Fuhrer.

Today on Quack Week, we have an example of questionable medicine that may have aided in the salvation of Europe! All because Hitler was really bad at choosing his doctors.

Theodor Morell (1886-1948), Nazi, started out as a proper doctor. But after World War I, he found that there was more money in providing ‘unconventional’ treatments for venereal disease to the rich. It may have been in that capacity that he began treating Hitler in 1936. He gave him a real sweet vitamin treatment, see. Vitamins are the shit.

Morell, figuring that he hit the big time, soon discovered that he could give Hitler pretty much anything and he’d love it. This included: strychnine, belladonna, caffeine, adrenaline, meth, cocaine, heroin, testosterone, and some relaxing chamomile. This is not a complete list.

Now, Hitler’s inner circle may have been a pack of murderous thugs, but most of them weren’t complete morons. They could see that Morell’s treatments were shit, but you didn’t contradict Hitler in that set if you wanted a good time. The architect Albert Speer, for example, got prescribed a cornucopia of pills by Morell, but secretly got a second opinion. Told that his ailment was just caused by stress and it’d go away on its own, he pretended to be taking the pills so Hitler wouldn’t be upset.

The other Nazis also thought Morell stank and needed to learn about table manners and basic hygiene.

Meanwhile, Hitler dismissed every doctor who’d dare contradict his dear Morell, even as he shot him up with meth every day. His judgment continued to degrade throughout the war, and there’s a pretty high probability that we can pin some or all of that on Morell’s gentle administrations. (Which included 28 pills daily, PLUS injections.)

Incidentally, most of the German military was ALSO hopped up on meth during the war.

Perhaps, then, quack medicine is not so bad, so long as it’s properly deployed.

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