Shakespeare Authorship Debate Haiku

Hot new theory!

Top minds have uncovered truth!

True author? Your mom.

It’s Saturday and the final day of Playwright Week. So fuck it, I’m going to rant about the stupidity that is the Shakespeare authorship debate.

Hey, guess what we know about 99% of people who lived in 16th century England? Fuck all. How much do we know about other Elizabethan playwrights? Unless they were dudes like Jonson and Marlowe, who kept either stirring up shit or sticking their boots in it, little more than fuck all.

So naturally, over the past two centuries, we’ve had a bunch of folk who don’t understand the patchy nature of that era’s historical record use that as an excuse to advance a bunch of hackneyed theories that absolutely no real evidence whatsoever.

Let’s just ignore the fact that Shakespeare’s contemporaries and colleagues all identified Shakespeare as the author.

Let’s just ignore that Shakespeare’s grammar school education plus occasionally cracking open a book would have been perfectly adequate for the knowledge displayed in the plays, while still allowing for blunders like giving Bohemia a coast. (No! Only a noble would be able to demonstrate such understanding of court politics and craft such exquisite dick jokes!)

Let’s just ignore that crafting a theory with NO actual evidence to explain why there’s LITTLE physical documentation of Shakespeare’s life makes no damned sense.

No! It was Francis Bacon, for… reasons?

No! It was Kit Marlowe, who definitely wasn’t knifed in a bar and FAKED HIS DEATH OMG!

No! No! It was OBVS Edward de Vere, and what the hell, let’s make him Elizabeth I’s bastard son AND father of another bastard son of hers while we’re at it.

NO! It was Admiral Yi Sun-shin, faking his OWN death! An undead Henry VIII, wishing to assuage his guilt by entertaining the masses! A tiny man who lived in Shakespeare’s hair, whispering secrets into his ear! Space aliens engaging in social engineering! No! Infinite monkeys with typewriters!

Bunch of classist bullshit.

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