Mary Queen of Scots Haiku

History forgives

All sorts of bullshit if it’s

Romaaaaantic enough.

It’s the final day of Mothers of Kings Week. We’ve also established that Saturday is my ‘fuck everything I do what I want’ day. As such, I’m going to go on an expletive-filled rant about Mary Queen of Scots, mother of James I and a whole bunch of hagiographic bullshit.

So if you like Mary at all, you might want to skip this one.

Mary, Mary, Mary. Queen of the Fuckboys. Fell in luuuuuurve with Darnley (Fuckboy #1, Francis doesn’t count ‘cuz arranged marriage and he died an actual boy), married him after waiting a hot minute, and was shocked when he turned out to be shit. (So shit he murdered her secretary in front of her pregnant self.) Fell in love with Bothwell (Fuckboy #2), shagged him, gave him the thumbs up to murder Darnley, and was again, shocked, when nobody congratulated the happy couple. “WTF. He murdered your last husband and he divorced his last wife barely a week ago. Aren’t you Catholic?”

Of course the Scots ran her out. She was a hypocritical shit who alienated everyone.

Then she went running to cousin Lizzy, thinking she was actually going to help her get her throne back! “Hey, cuz, I know I’ve nodded happily when people told me how great it would be if you got shanked and I inherited all your shit, but can you..?” Haha. No.

She spent the next couple of decades in English custody plotting against Lizzy, thinking she could outwit goddamned Sir Francis Walsingham and Lord Burghley, two of the cleverest bastards in Europe at the time. That’s like me thinking my stubby-legged ass can take on LeBron James in a basketball match.

But she was just shocked! Shocked! That the English would fucking DARE try and convict her. Didn’t they know she was a QUEEEEEN?!

Mary got the chop in 1587. Her only positive contribution to history was to establish that “Oh wow! Chopping off the heads of monarchs is a thing we can do!”

If she were a food, she’d be a mushroom.

I hate Mary Queen of Scots.

Fight me IRL.

If you liked the haiku, please consider sharing the blog, or supporting me via my revamped Patreon page or PayPal. Thanks kindly!

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