Financial Tips for Entitled Millenial Snowflakes

Photo by George HH

As is famously known and universally acknowledged, today’s working youth – the so-called ‘Millennials’ – are a lazy, shiftless bunch more concerned with their precious fee-fees and getting their next hit of avocado toast than putting in a hard day’s work. As such, many Millennials are experiencing what they call economic hardship. So here are some easy ways to save money so you can stop stealing my tax dollars!

  • Instead of wasting money on your daily froo-froo Starbucks blended venti whatever, try soaking burnt toast crumbs in hot water! A full-bodied taste, with none of the price tag! If it’s good enough for Nazi-occupied Europe, it’s good enough for you!
  • Burdened by student loan repayments because of your namby-pamby liberal arts degree? Go into a trade! Because no trade job ever becomes obsolete or redundant due to changing technologies and economies. Trade jobs are eternal.
  • Tired of big city rents? Move back to your hometown and wait patiently for years until you finally get a job at the ol’ plant, just like daddy did before he got that respiratory disease! While you wait, you can re-discover the cheap entertainments of your youth, such as deer-tipping and hollering your despair at an unfeeling universe on top of a mountain.
  • Ten bucks a month on Netflix? Give me a break. Save that dough by canceling the subscription and watching your neighbor’s TV through their window. Live in an apartment? Climb onto their balcony and watch it from there!
  • Do what our grandfathers did when they needed the cash: go start a world war! PTSD? Pah. That’s just a liberal myth. This seems to work best when we’re fighting Germany, so someone should check if Merkel’s starting shit.

There you are. All you need so you can meet my arbitrarily high standards for everyone younger than me.

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