Report: Small Town Boring As Shit

USDA photo by Scott Bauer

In defiance of expectations that small towns should be hotbeds of excitement, sources report that Grand Prairie, BC is in actuality, ‘boring as shit.’

The report continues that there is no sexy drama simmering just underneath the surface. “How can there be?” said a woman who asked to remain anonymous, for everyone in town is already up in each other’s entirely mundane, ho-hum drama. “There’s nowhere to go for a scandalous tryst, because everyone knows each other and there’s nowhere to to go without everyone knowing about it in thirty minutes. And there’s only bar in town, because all the others burnt down years ago and were replaced by liquor stores.”

“I guess you could go up into the mountains, but rattlesnakes.”

Furthermore, there is no indecently rich family holding the rest of the town in its thrall. Said a man who wished to remain anonymous, “I guess there’s that family who owns the supermarket? But no one gives a crap about them, excuse my French. Oh, and there’s the Petroffs, who’ve made a nice pile with their grow-op, if I heard correctly, but they’re way too chill to bother with corrupt schemes to maintain their stranglehold over the town.

It is also reported that there is a distinct scarcity of cozy coffee shops, private schools, retro diners, and night clubs. Balancing this is an abundance of borscht restaurants, snow, and roving gangs of turkeys and deer that shit everywhere and play merry hell with area gardens.

Said Sarah Sullivan, who temporarily moved back in with her parents, is getting the fuck out as soon as her out-of-town job starts, and does not give two damns what anyone in town has to say about her, told our reporter: “Netflix is the only thing keeping me alive right now. My uncle won’t even let me work in his workshop three blocks away because he says there’s too many bums around. I lived in Vancouver.”

She continued, “Get me out, get me out, get me out,” and then proceeded to try to score a ride out of town with our reporter in exchange for gas money.

More on this story if it ever actually develops, for christ’s sake, doesn’t anything actually happen here.

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