Vancouver-area marketing manager Alice Ahn has become militantly pro-choice after ralphing on her marmalade cat Lord Binky McBooger for the umpteenth time.
“Before this – and I want to stress – completely planned and wanted pregnancy, I sort of considered myself more on the pro-life side of things, you know?” said a visibly pale and shaky Ahn as she attempted to wipe the vomit off a resentful McBooger.
“But now. But now.” She shook her head. “I don’t even know where all this vomit comes from. I’m too nauseous to eat anything except stovetop chocolate pudding with whipped cream. Maybe I’d be up for a plateful of bacon, but Richard says it’d be ‘bad for the baby.’ You know what’s also bad for you, you little hell fetus? Not letting mommy eat.“
Ahn then excused herself to do what passes for a dash to the bathroom, found that she could not make it to the bathroom in time, detoured into the kitchen, and ralphed into the sink.
“Sorry about that,” she said, turning on the tap. “What was I saying?”
“Oh yeah. I can’t get the really good anti-nausea meds, because of ‘baby’, and I can’t even have a decent amount of the so-so meds – again, because of ‘baby’. I tell you, women should not have to go puking all the time without a say in the matter.”
“I haven’t even announced it at work, but with all the sick leave I’ve had to take and the amount of time I spend in the bathroom, everyone knows what’s up. So much fucking unsolicited advice. So much fucking tutting if I so much as stretch without consulting them to see if their mom or grandma or who-fucking-ever would approve of it. Also, if I hear one more word from the goop girl in tech support about her ‘concerns’ about vaccines, I’ll stab her with a needle.
“Imagine having a condom break and being forced to listen to goop girl about the result for nine goddamned months and beyond.”
Other pro-choice arguments Ahn cited included not having had a real, satisfying dump in almost three months, having to pee all the goddamned time, and being banned from getting totally blitzed on sushi for the duration of the pregnancy.
“As soon as this thing is out of me, we’re spending every free weekend as clinic escorts.” She then proceeded to show our reporter the various protest signs she made in her spare time. Only one, ‘No Spew Without Consent’, did not have spew on it.
Alice Ahn’s husband, Richard Park, was approached for comment, but declined, stating he was too busy cleaning barf out of his work shoes.
Lord Binky McBooger hid in his cat tree.
This one goes out to various friends of mine who’ve undergone the miracle of pregnancy, and also my sainted mother. According to her, I am mostly made of stovetop chocolate pudding with whipped cream, which I think explains some things.