Tim Hortons, the formerly beloved Canadian coffee and doughnut chain, is revising its policies in light of its declining popularity across the country.
“We’re putting into effect a lot of changes that I think Canadians are really going to like,” said Tim Hortons representative Ted Townshend. “Number one on the list? No more scorpions.” Townshend is referring to the popular practice among franchise owners of putting scorpions in the pants of under-performing employees during rush time. “It was an excellent motivational tool, but we at Tim Hortons believe in our people and their ability to give top-notch service without fear of scorpion bites.”
“Our second big change? Staff will no longer be required to stitch their uniforms by hand by the light of the full moon! We at Tim Hortons believe in the importance of family and while this activity provided an important bonding experience for our staff and their families as sleeplessly worked to construct our front-line symbol of professionalism, now they can bond in other ways! Like, with board games. If they can afford board games. Maybe they can get one from the thrift store with a couple of pieces missing. Fun!”
“We are also switching to a higher grade of sawdust for our doughnuts and I think our customers are really going to taste the difference,” said Townshend. “Of course, this does add to our operational costs, so there will be a price increase of twenty cents per doughnut.”
Townshend beamed with gleaming white teeth and adjusted his hair piece. “So as you can see, we at Tim Hortons are determined to win back the hearts and minds of Canadians and save them from the dreaded local coffee shop, which are typically staffed with drug-addled millenials and hipsters and cater to snowflakes who think they’re too good for the mediocre brew their hard-working parents and grandparents enjoyed. You know – those generations that made this country great!”
When our reporter suggested paying employees a living wage, serving a product that didn’t taste of stale despair, and maybe not blaming provincial government-decreed minimum wage increases for shitty treatment of staff, Townshend clapped his diamond ring-clad hand on her back and stood, shaking his shoulders in silent laughter, for a solid five minutes before wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh. Oh, honey. That’s so adorable.”
Townshend then proceeded to the airport to take his private jet to his spring home in Florida.
As god as my witness, I’ll never eat at Tim Hortons again. Mind you, that’s pretty easy, given that I’m overseas for the time being. And come to think of it, Canada as a whole needs to be called out for wrapping up so much of its national identity in shitty corporate brands. There are better ways to define ourselves than by Tim Hortons and Molson, for christ’s sake.