50-word Short Stories: History Edition!

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More short short short stories, this time, on a theme! Read them and weep. Not literally, please.

Jack the Ripper’s killing spree continued. Prostitutes were being killed and mutilated in a nauseating fashion. “We should take this opportunity to look into the conditions that lead women to become prostitutes and allow them to be abused, and address them,” said a man. Everyone around him carefully ignored him.

The Union was in trouble! The scrappy slave owners of the South kept beating them, over and over!. The North was rife with incompetent generals! But then Ulysses Grant strolled up to President Lincoln. “Hold my beer,” he said. He put on his shades and proceeded to save the Union.

Anastasia stopped and took a deep breath. She couldn’t believe she’d done it. She escaped the Bolsheviks, who murdered her whole family, the doctor, the maid, the valet, the dog! How- BANG. “Good! Got her! We’d have been in a lot of trouble if we missed one!” laughed the Bolshevik.

Sophie had been through a lot of indignities in her life after marrying Franz Ferdinand, being regarded as a gold digger with bastard children. But being riddled with bullets by an assassin took the fucking cake. “Live for our children!” croaked Franz. “Fuck… this… shit…” whispered Sophie as she died.

After Franz Ferdinand’s assassination, it wasn’t clear to the European powers what to do. They looked at their decades’ worth of treaties, gathered, discussed. “According to this… If Serbia is attacked… Invade Japan? No, I’m not reading this right. Fuck, I need a drink.” Months passed before war was declared.

“I don’t know,” pondered the random respectable noblewoman. “Sure, British culture has brought the world great things, like the plays of Shakespeare and really hearty breakfasts, but subjugating entire cultures and civilizations…? Maybe morally iffy?” Responded Queen Victoria: “I have mommy issues. I thought we established this.” The Empire continued.

After war’s end, the people of South had some soul-searching to do. So much death and destruction, for a war they start- “We’ll call it the War of Northern Aggression!” they decided. Problem solved! “What about the attack on Fort Sumter? Did the fort attack itself then?” some said. Shh.

The Titanic was sinking, on its maiden voyage! Thankfully, a time traveler from the future appeared to Captain Smith to explain how he could save everyone. Then a second, third, more time travelers than there were passengers. The ship capsized with the weight of the time travelers, leaving no survivors.

There was only one sensible reaction in the face of blackmail and accusations of stealing money from the government and Alexander Hamilton knew it. Publish a pamphlet detailing his infidelity, thus removing the sting of the blackmail! The reviews came back. They said: “Dude. Keep your dick in your breeches.”

The newly-arrived colonists stepped off their ship and breathed in the fresh, clean air that hadn’t a hint of manure. Such a pure, uncultivated land! “We’ve been cultivating it for literally millenia and we’ve just effectively had an apocalypse because your explorers’ diseases,” the Indians explained. They were ignored.

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