50-word Short Stories vol. 5

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This has been a day, and no two ways about it. Enjoy my work? Please consider tipping me via PayPal or Patreon. Thanks!

First day back in the gym for months – yes! Time to do this. She was going to be swole as fuck. Then she remembered why she’d go to gym before work, not after. Many people, one squat rack. Some say she still waits for the power rack ’til this day.

The expectant parents waited with bated breath. “So doctor… is it a boy or girl?” The doctor looked at the sonogram, frowned, and asked the father to leave the room. “Were you abducted by aliens recently?” he asked. The mother sighed. “Oh. Thorp. That party got really out of hand.”

The plucky red-headed orphan girl certainly made an impression on the previously quiet country village she now called home. What the villagers did not know was that she was an advance agent of the devil, sent to win over hearts and minds. Hell’s dominion was born on Prince Edward Island.

The entitled millenial was terrible, all agreed. Lazy, shiftless. Working for minimum wage in order to pay his student loans – didn’t he have any ambition in life? Then one day, he was noticed doing something especially egregious: enjoying avocado on toast. “It’s one of my few pleasures in life.” Typical!

Joe American watched the news with dismay. Politics was so divisive and uncivil nowadays. He invented a time machine to go back to when politicians treated their peers with courtesy. Landing in the 1790s, he saw Thomas Jefferson putting John Adams in a headlock. “I understand things better,” Joe said.

The actress made her demands. “I’ll be paid as much as my male co-star, as I’m just as famous as he and our parts are equal size,” she said. The studio execs then had to explain she was 35, really quite old, and only fifteen years younger than the male co-star.

The two Koreas were on the verge of war, the headlines screamed! Seoul was a big, sexy, sitting duck and gripped the city! Meanwhile, in Hongdae district, So-hyang frowned. This americano – so overpriced! And the pastry came from a box, definitely. She checked her phone. North Korea said something. Whatever.

The woman read her book on the bus, in the cafe, at the bar. All day and evening long, she read, until she went home. “How was your day?” her roommate asked. “Terrible!” the woman said. “I read in public all day and not once did a man interrupt me!”

The immortal alien’s current body was dying and a new one was about to be born in a spectacular light show. Bam, whiz! The light faded. The alien found a mirror and saw a writhing tentacle in smack in the middle of his forehead. This would limit his travel options.

The historian sighed. No one seemed to give a shit about sources and historical context nowadays, no matter where they fell on the political spectrum. After a drink, a comforting thought occurred to her as she remembered her research. “No one gave a shit about those things back then, either.”

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