50-word Short Stories vol. 4

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Time for another edition, folks. I do what I want. Nevertheless, if you do enjoy these, please consider lobbing a tip my way via PayPal or Patreon. Thanks!

The preacher proclaimed that one should love all of God’s creatures and at that time, he meant it. One night, he was tormented by a mosquito, who buzzed in his ear and bit him five times. Next Sunday, he began, shamefaced, “Let me make some corrections to last week’s sermon…”

Mary was a lonely soul. Her friends had abandoned her, turned away by her crippling emotional defects. What was she to do? Then it came to her. “I’ll make my own friends! From bits and maybe even bytes!” Unfortunately, like every parent, she programmed the emotional defects into their CPU.

The three bears found their home in a disarray – their porridge eaten, their chairs sat on, and furthermore, the perpetrator was sleeping in Mama’s bed! It was that Goldilocks girl from around the corner! They marched her to her parents, who gave her a stern lecture on property rights.

Zeus wasn’t fond of these modern ladies. They were comely enough, sure, but their personalities? Urgh. For example, transforming into a really kick ass swan? Didn’t work. Nor did it matter how hot a bull he turned into. Were they all just a bunch of repressed prudes? Shaving worked, though.

The fairy tale princess was in a fix. She’d been cast into the scullery, her identity stolen, and the prince she was to marry had been taken in by the imposter. Should she be pro-active? A voice told her, “No. Just cry about the problem to fix it.” It worked!

Neil Armstrong took his first, historic steps onto the barren surface of the moon. The immensity of the achievement struck him to the point of dumbness, but still, he knew he must say something appropriately thrilling. At a loss, he said what was in his heart. “Fuck yeah,” he whispered.

The customer sighed, her French bulldog at her side. “He needs a new food… I heard fish is good for frenchies… But the vet said he has an allergy..” “Have you tried switching proteins?” asked the associate. “But I heard fish is good for frenchies…” This continued for two hours.

It sucked to be a vampire these days. It used to be that he could be seductive and vicious, claiming hearts and devouring blood with equal aplomb. Now it was expected he be brooding and emo. Enough was enough! Dignity must be reclaimed! That is when the murder spree began.

The new parents frowned. Their child had seemed stable and charming at the orphanage, but now he was drawing hexagrams and turning the cutlery into cockroaches. “I’m sure Damien will respond to loving care and firm discipline,” they agreed. They succeeded and the apocalypse was demoted to another world war.

Richard steeled himself as he sat upon the bridge railing. He couldn’t take it anymore! Life was meaningless and hopeless! The only solution was to end it. Just then, a pedestrian strolled up. He said, “You wanna know who else committed suicide? Hitler.” Godwin’s Law saved another life that day.

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