A longer piece, as promised. The next short story I post will be the first in a series of connected stories, as mentioned during my State of the Blog Address. As money is tight right now, please consider donating via PayPal or Patreon. On with the stories!
The virginal twenty-something stood naked in front of the handsome billionaire. Sex was going to happen and it would be magical. So she thought, until she learned that he believed size was a substitute for skill, and that a hymen didn’t grant her sex powers. So it was just ‘okay’.
The driver, who was black, pulled over at the police car’s signal. He rolled down his window as the officer approached. “Your taillight’s out. Here’s the nearest mechanic’s address,” said the officer and they carried on with their business. It was nice living in a world where people weren’t dicks.
The soldiers attacked the chosen one’s village, inflicting property damage and causing a ruckus. “For fuck’s sake,” said the chosen one. “I pay my taxes and think the concept of a prophesied hero is ridiculous. Rebuild the village and we’ll forget this.” They did and the evil overlord’s reign continued.
The princess disrobed and began contemplating her nubile body in the mirror. Then the thought occurred: her internal narration had been invaded by the male gaze! It was almost as though the creator was actually a prurient man who penned fantasies for a living. Her new religion rocked the world.
Tsar Nicholas II was troubled. The Russian people were discontented. Revolution was nigh. How do we stop this, he wondered? “Have you tried actually making good decisions?” asked his advisors. He looked to his wife. She said, “No. We’ve never done that in Russian history and we’re not starting now.”
Trog considered. Fire had been a solid invention, and so had been knives, but he knew his cro magnon brain could come up with something even better. Then he saw the wolves lurking near the cave. Thousands of years later, his descendant awoke to a pug butt on his face.
The ESL teacher arrived in her new school in Korea and it was her very first day. It was also the first day of her period and there were only squat toilets. Later that afternoon, the students assigned to cleaning bathrooms discussed plans to drop out and become k-pop stars.
“We need to invade Earth, but let’s be subtle about it,” said the Alien Queen. Her legions picked the form of the domestic cat, as it would allow them to destroy humans from within. But form follows function. The invasion was scuttled by the need to nap in every sunbeam.
The revolution was won and America was free! Hurrah! The young country’s leaders discussed the form their government would take. “Don’t you think we should have thought about this during the past eight years?” one asked. “Eh, we’ll just cobble something together.” Thus for over 250 years, there were problems.
The old man stood by his garden one morning. Those goddamned deer had got into it again, despite the tarps, despite everything! When he died, he would haunt the hell out of them. That came to pass and the deer knew no peace, except when re-runs of Dallas were on.
Author’s Note: If you liked these stories, or have a specific story request, please consider supporting me via PayPal or Patreon. A donation would come especially in handy during these lean times. Thanks!