The small dog bristled. This was his destiny. What he had been made for. Thousands of years of selection and evolution taught him that the most important thing was this: defend his family and destroy those who would harm them. He barked and growled at the passing cyclist. Mission accomplished.
Odysseus had returned to his home after so many years of fighting and wandering, only to be met with the sight of his wife, Penelope, naked in the arms of her new husband. “You were gone for two decades and I have needs!” said Penelope. “You’re right. Threesome?” said Odysseus.
It was a grimdark world and you had to have a grimdark mind to get along in it. Until a hero rose in that world that recognized that a lot of the problems could be fixed with some good psychiatry and intelligently diagnosed pharmaceuticals. Less people were murdered after that.
The brave hero found the elves in their hidden kingdom in the forest and pleaded for their assistance. “The Dark Lord has conquered all of the free lands. I am in need of your ancient wisdom!” he said. “Meh,” said the elves. This the brave hero learned: elves are dicks.
Cats had taken over the world in a surprise move that left everyone shocked. Humanity asked their new masters, “What would you have us do?” The cats asked for control over nuclear arsenals and more fish. The world carried on much the way it always has, except with fatter cats.
The mountains crumbled. The seas ran dry, spilling into the cracks in the earth. Volcanoes cooled. Winds stilled. Fire ceased to burn. The survivors of humanity gazed upon their broken world as they drifted in their spaceships. Captain Rodriguez turned to his colleagues and said, “Glad we left that place.”
The spunky yet poor Korean drama heroine had a choice to make: the hot yet asshole-ish rich guy or the also-hot but poor guy that respected her? But there was a third option. She married the rich guy and kept the poor guy as a side piece. Chase your bliss.
The little rich boy was shocked when his parents were gunned down in front of him by a two-bit crook, to the point where he went catatonic with fury towards the criminal underclass. But he grew up. Vengeance was not the way. Top-notch social services for those at risk was.
“With great power comes great responsibility,” were his uncle’s dying words. The budding superhero was confused. What could those words possibly mean? Wait! He meant that responsible stewardship of energy resources would lead to a brighter future – not punching petty criminals! But he did both, because it was fun.
Normandy was cold and William didn’t like being ruled over by the King of France. What do you do? “I’ll just head over to England and be king there,” he said. So he got his dudes together and sailed across the channel. Then he shot Harold Godwinson in the face.