Ten very profound stories that will change your life.
“She’s not Alice anymore!” screamed Martin to Peter. Alice, fully zombified, thrashed against the metal door keeping her from eating their pork-like flesh. Peter stopped struggling against Martin. “Oh!” he said. “I guess you’re right. Shame.” No one opened the door and no one got eaten by Alice that day.
The other aliens laughed at Kurit when she told them of her Earth invasion scheme: brainwashing through dog and cat pictures posted on the internet. “Surely cat pictures would be enough!” they scoffed. But Kurit knew. Not everyone was a cat person. Some were dog people. Because cats are assholes.
He was a veteran detective, only a day away from retirement. “I have some big plans with the wife,” he said to his maverick partner. “I sure hope I don’t get killed.” So he locked himself in a bunker until the next day. Those cruise tickets wouldn’t go to waste.
The valet presented himself to his new employer, who regarded him with steely eyes. “Can you solve my problems using elaborate schemes and tricks and disentangle me from undesirable engagements?” the employer asked. “No, but I can iron shirts,” said the valet. “That’s not good enough,” said the employer. Dismissed!
The new boy was so pale and interesting, thought Eliza, who was pretty but relatable. She felt inexplicably drawn to him and she wanted to find out his dark secrets. Unfortunately, he was not a sexy, brooding vampire. He was just super Irish and sunburned easily. They started dating anyway.
The dragon lay on his pile of gold, which was acquired through legal means. He patiently explained this to the armored man who kept swinging a sword at him. “If you take any of my stuff,” said the dragon, “I will sue you.” But the courts are prejudiced against dragons.
Bill saw all of Jesus’ miracles – walking on water, turning water into wine, raising Lazarus from the dead, the whole lot. But that meant nothing. There was only one test he’d accept. “How well can you build a cabinet?” he asked Jesus. Turns out, Jesus could build one very well.
When Sarah was a little girl, a blue box appeared in her garden. A man stepped out of it and promised to take her to many strange places. He also offered her a jelly baby. But Sarah was no fool. She saw the after-school specials. So she called the police.
The maiden watched her love being attacked by monsters helplessly. “Hit them with something!” cried out her love, one of the monsters biting him. “I’m sorry, I’ve been influenced by society’s norms to be as useless as possible when physical effort is required!” she said. That’s when he dumped her.
Tommy rubbed his belly happily. “That was some delicious yogurt,” he said. “Nice, solid texture – Greek-style. Fruit bits spread throughout and not gumming up the bottom. Yes, very satisfying.” Heather looked up from her gaming. “That wasn’t yogurt. That was milk,” she said. Tommy frowned, walking to the bathroom.